How far exactly do you have to go before you get rid of this fear?

I sound so ridiculous. I don't even get WHY I'm so terrified anyway. As I was telling Danial earlier, I told him I was scared. He asked, in such a simple way, "of…?". Like it was nothing. It is nothing. It surely seemed like nothing. Yet, it's something. If it's nothing, I won't feel this way right? I just feel so lost and temporary. Never knowing or having anything permanently.
Maybe it IS nothing. because…
nothing = something

You know, when you ask someone "What's wrong?"
and they say "Oh. Nothing,"
See, based on that, nothing = something.

It's just that I've been going out a lot lately, doing things that I thought might make me "happy" and pleased and goddamned ecstatic.
Like, going to eat at places I've been dying to eat.
Going to shops and stores that I've always wanted.
Going to see movies that I thought were interesting.
Purchasing books that I've always wanted to read.
Spending the rest of my day in bed, sleeping as soundly as I could.
Basically "having the time of my life".

I did ALL of that, but it only led me to discover how small this world is. Or, at least how EASY it is. It didn't seem easy to go here and there before because I've never dared. I feel so..….independent? It isn't hard. It feels hard, though. It feels so..….insecure. You never know. I'm at my old house in Sunway. Maybe returning to Shah Alam in a few hours to pack up and clean up. & to practice taking the damned theory driving test. Which I am not looking forward to. I should call the guy sometime soon.

Oh, I saw 2012 earlier today. It didn't make me feel any different. I know that everything comes to an end. I've been expecting that. I wasn't so frightened. It wasn't a bad movie, the effects were cool. Can you really drive like that? hurtling past cars, over flyway bridges, through glass buildings and flying over cracked roads and all? Some scenes were touching and sad and kind of funny. I found the whole thing funny, it was ironic. Oh, & I loved the song they played at the end of the movie, when the credits rolled. I just googled it. It's Time For Miracles by Adam Lambert.

Baby you know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
Cuz I ain't giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it's time for miracles
Cuz I ain't giving up on love
No I ain't giving up on us

I feel very inspired to blog. about mindlessly boring things
I don't know if it's just this deeply embedded feeling inside of me that knows full well that I'm NOT supposed to be blogging or inspiration comes randomly. This very condescending nasal-like--almost high pitched---voice in my mind (Gee, wonder whose voice that might be? *cough* take a hint) constantly kept echoing the same words over and over and over in the same despairing tone:
Study, Farhanah. Study.
Study. Study.
Study. FREAKIN' STUDY.
Shutdown your laptop. Dah. Study.
Aren't you ashamed? Orang study macam nak mati.
What? You want to sleep? NO WAY.

Not until you study like you mean it.

EXHAUSTED (adj)
drained of energy or effectiveness;
extremely tired; fatigued
completely worn out, weary

The pressure of witnessing my peers studying 24/7 really leads to adverse effects.
ALAS---*cue dramatic piece played by a violin*---my body has succumbed to all the abusive and torturous ill-treatments (hah) that I had made it go through. Eg; less intake of food (primarily due to loss of appetite) and also lack of sleep. When I say lack of sleep…I mean it in the most brutal way. & worst of all: the studying.

It's no joke to try to somehow turn your faulty brain into a very absorbent sponge. Sometimes it even tries to resist. But what am I to do, really?

Now, my body has grown weary and extremely exhausted.
My brain is also tired. So much information needed to be compressed.
I feel all feverish again.
My voice is...weird…no more the squeaky child-like high pitched voice it used to be.
Headaches. Hallucinations (yeah, no, really. I'm not kidding)
& pure ignorance towards anything that used to matter.
sleeping gives me anxiety attacks now.

GREAT. FANTASTIC. EXCELLENT.
I am NOT tired, AT ALL. I feel very energetic [/pretense]

I AM a person who likes to be different from you.
I WANT things I probably can't get.
I HAVE this really weird perception of things.
I WISH that everyone gets their allotted karma.
I HATE mean people.
I FEAR expectations.
I SEARCH for someone who will prove me otherwise.
I WONDER how far beyond I can go before reaching the limit.
I REGRET some things.
I LOVE peanut butter and smiles.
I ALWAYS run away from things I don't want to face.
I USUALLY picture the worst in a given situation.
I AM NOT someone who likes to be in denial.
I DANCE not so frequently.
I SING off-key.
I NEVER understand most people.
I CRY a lot.
I AM NOT ALWAYS as happy as I seem.
I LOSE my sanity often..
I AM CONFUSED about the nature of things.
I NEED eternal happiness.
I BELIEVE in god.
I CAN BE evil.
I SHOULD not think about giving up.

"It's time to stop searching for something that is already there in front of you, because when you're too consumed in searching for something in life, you often forget to live. That, in itself is a tragedy.."

Just got back from lunch with Nitya.
She was feeling depressed.
I had no comforting words to offer.
I only smiled awkwardly.
Inside, I felt the same way, if not worse.
I feel it everyday.
We soon knew why it was so depressing:
Exams were nearing & everyone took advantage of the study leave by going back to their respective homes.
Wish I had somewhere to go back to.
As Nas puts it, I am having a severe case of "konflik dalaman".
I try to smile and be happy, though.
New friend, Azmil is just this person bursting with so much positive energy.
I feel like how Lena felt in The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants when she met Kostos.
Except this situation is diff, because I have not fallen for anyone. Unfortunately.
I remember her (more like Alexis Bledel) saying
"Maybe that's what strikes me most about Kostos, that despite everything he suffered..he can still look at life in the most uncomplicated way. I've never known that kind of faith. Makes me so sad that people like Kostos and Bridget who've lost everything can still be open to love. While I, who have lost nothing, am not."

That's how I'm currently feeling. Well, except this isn't about love.
It's about life and faith.
It makes me sad too, Lena.

Why is it that I, a person who have had so many good things to be thankful for, can't seem to want to find the beauty in life? Or at least the will continue... When others, who have gone through countless tragic occurrences, are still able to be happy and so full of life?

Why?

Warning: This is very long.

I will start to be self obsessed now. I mean, selfish.
Everyone is always selfish in their own twisted way. I can't believe I've never realized that. So, this old friend (well, not literally talking about the friend's age, or the age of the friendship.. but more to the past. as in.. a friend from the past) told me that the one special thing about me is that I care so much---even about total strangers---when no one else seem to. In reality, this was quite true. I'm not saying I'm selfless, but most of the time I don't really make myself first priority. In fact, it's like I am my own enemy. That's a little hard to believe, right? All in all, it was really nice to know that I separate from the crowd by this particular factor, of being super caring.

UNTIL...
I had to grow up.

I'm sure I've countlessly written about times when I was scared and afraid. My friend, Shahid's definition of "growing up" is to not give a shit about what other people think. That way, he concluded, I would eventually grow up and be able to survive. Properly survive, I mean. Not like this whole teetering unstable disorientated motion I seem to be moving in lately; barely surviving...grasping helplessly to the remaining of all the familiarity I had known or used to know in the past, because things had changed so much, I don't recognize anything anymore.

The suggestion sort of shocked me, it was unpleasant, not to care. What would people think of me if I didn't care? I would appear....cold and it will seem like I didn't believe the existence of good things in life. Then I realized that I cared what people thought of me. The problem was deeply embedded to another problem. To solve this would be like untangling a clump of knots bunched up together. You can't just try to pull at them all at the same time, you might make a bigger mess. You need to untie them all carefully, with precision, one by one.

When he first brought it up, I gasped (I'm really not exaggerating) and I quickly punched the keys to my laptop keyboard (the conversation was carried out via IM) to type "but.. but.. my life would lose its purpose!"
I believed that there weren't things that could be done in life greater than those done for others. I don't know. By that point, I realized how far gone I was. Because if I chose to stay and be the same person , then I can never ever be independent. Never be able to just stand all by myself.

It might make more sense if I just don't give a shit about all of it. Because, without these constrictions and disapprovals from everyone, I wouldn't try so hard to please and I would probably live for me. Not for others, because really do they even deserve it? I need to live for me. For myself. I need to love myself.

It knocked the air out of me when Danial brought up this very risky topic. I don't recall so much. But he said "Why do you say that everyone hates you? It seems like you're the one who hates yourself." That was what he said, instead of the expected usual empathy and compassion, feeling sorry for me.

It was almost...spot-on. Like, you know...bulls-eye. Dead on. Why exactly do I hate myself so much? No wait, wrong question. Why don't I love myself as much as I could love others? Why is that so? Why do I insist on being miserable so that others could be a little pleased? Again, not saying I'm selfless but why can't I just be selfish for once?

I guess if I did, I wouldn't be so special anymore. The only thing special and unique about me would probably be my blend of nucleotides and intertwined codes of bases in my genes. And THAT isn't even 100% me, that was inherited. But do I even care about being special anymore when I'm always getting constantly hurt and feeling so utterly miserable most of the time? It's definitely something to sacrifice.

Today, it's like I've been possessed by this monster who totally does not care. Nothing matters anymore, except myself. I started listening to Lily Allen. The lyrics to her once thought of as dim and shallow and pessimistically jaded songs suddenly made sense. She doesn't care about much things, especially when there's horrible wars going on right here on earth. She goes in there, and grabs what she wants and then exits. Simple as that. It's about honesty. I used to think she was too screwed up to care about the rainbows and sunshines and the little things that made life so perfect in an imperfect way, but now I understood where she came from. All she wanted was to survive, who could blame her for that? Okay, I may not make sense. Lily Allen isn't like that, it's just what I get from her new songs.

See, if I cared less, I wouldn't stare at my phone, my hands itching to reach out for it and hoping to reconcile my friendship with Danial. He has it so easy, he doesn't care about me or this friendship so it was easy for him to let it go. He gave me this big warning about how I am about to get hurt. Which turned out to be true, by the way. Maybe I should start listening to him. He told me not to bother, and that my not speaking to him would do me good because I wouldn't get so upset anymore. So I'm just leaving it at that. Because "I don't give a shit". At least I hope I don't.

Also, if "I don't give a shit", I probably wouldn't feel so pressured with my studies and everyone comparing results and I wouldn't feel so unhappy and so dumb and unintelligent. And if I learnt not to care, I wouldn't expect people to reciprocate. It's only inevitable for you to expect people to treat you all nicely when you've treated them all nicely, right? & if people still don't give a shit about you, when you've spent every ounce of your energy caring about them, the heartache would be unbearable. You meet all sorts of people in life, I'll tell you that. Most of them, you will find absurdly selfish.

If "I don't give a shit" like how Ka Ting doesn't give a shit, I would probably be as smart as he is. He isn't afraid of asking for help. He will do whatever it takes to get to the top. I'm not sure if he's willing to trample on those at the bottom, but he once made me feel like I had a friend who was willing to help me. But now? When you're an insignificant asset who no longer bring any sort of benefit towards him, I doubt he'd be interacting with you. Much less be a friend back. That, my friend, is a very fine exemplary of "not giving a shit".

I am very sleepy.

Took my dad's advice. Went jogging. It was a little unpleasant. A little torturous, supposedly good for the heart and body. And maybe the mind (since I whole-heartedly gave up on trying to keep my heart pumping, so I went to the bench and sat down--- lotus position---and began to meditate. Focusing only on my breathing. Letting everything else slip away).

Life is so good right now.

Lonely people surrounding more lonely people doesn't make the situation any less lonelier. Especially when everyone is trying to pretend that they are not lonely but keeping in mind that they secretly are and that no one would understand.

Am I not making any sense? It's just a few things I've strung together…from both observation and experience. I love so many people right now, that my heart could just burst. Yesterday was my test, as you've all read. See, I update a lot now, frequent blogger on the rise! But anyway, back to the test. I'm glad I got that hurdle over with.

Right after the test, Mastura came with me to satisfy my craving for Big Apple doughnuts. We had lunch at….I'm not sure where but it's that Thai place that I liked so much! with the weird shrimp with banana and mango roll? YEAH, that'd be it.




We shopped afterwards. I purchased "Thanks For The Memories" by Cecilia Ahern (with recommendation from Nas aka female version of Jim Carrey). Mas got a pair of shoes. We then headed to Big Apple. One thing you need to keep in mind when indulging your taste buds in Big Apple doughnuts is that it can get messy. VERY MESSY. I think I had cream and frosting all up to my nose. Or maybe it wasn't that messy this time, I had to reserve some shred of dignity…we were eating in the presence of the public!



We came back in the evening. I threw out the trash and was amazed by the discovery of the garbage chute (long story). I planned to study, which just failed very badly. So I went online and checked my emails and everything. Then, I went to get stationery supplies. Because my ball point pens are slowly disappearing! Went with Sharon, then she cooked some porridge. I ate porridge for dinner! & we had A LOT of doughnuts. Then, Sharon & I somehow ended up going shopping. It was at night and late. Haha, I had some Coke and both of us bought bags. That was just so unnecessary.☺



okay now I'm gonna go out and get dinner or something. So famished right now. Tomorrow is the stats quiz. More bad news. & did I mention, it's bio report week again! Which means, resume hectic busy week.

How can someone feel so loved and yet so empty both at the same time?

I have neglected to organize the tags of my blog posts.

I am procrastinating while clutching my two biology textbooks.

The reason I'm clutching my bio textbooks is because there's a test.

There is a test tomorrow because we've come to the end of the chapter.

I am disappointed that you're gone.

My chemistry marks were the worst ever.

I've had thoughts that would qualify me for a trip to the psychologist.

I am being selfish but I do not care.

I should be going out to get dinner right about now.

I am also getting many cans of Coke to help me stay up tonight.

I didn't go to class today.

Since the problems wouldn't go away, I tried running away.

I didn't run far enough. Or fast enough.

I practiced smiling today so that I could pretend better tomorrow.

Mariah came to my room and brought me a big bar of chocolate.

I succumbed and ate the chocolate even though I don't quite fancy chocolates.

I completely ignored my skincare regime.

So now I look like a pimply ghost with eye-bags and swollen eyes.

I am currently listening to Supermodel by Jill Sobule.

People in my class judge me because of my age. I will always be "little" to them.

I'm working on not giving a fuck about what everyone else thinks.


wish me luck?

Life hasn't been unkind to me so far. Or maybe today hasn't been too sucky?

I didn't study much lately. I feel no shred of remorse. I can't let these people make me feel guilty over something so......little and nearly insignificant (or maybe it IS important, but that fact isn't that clear at the moment). I've been blogging about studying & the stress for as long as I can remember. Oh I am so so so so sorry, blog. It must have been embarrassing for you to display emo musings about studying. OF ALL THINGS.

Now, I shall stop!
It was quite fun today. Despite very tiring. I've been exhausted these days. SUPER exhausted. It's mostly because of the fact that it's Bio Report week which means I have to slave for hours in order to complete a 3300word paper. Sharon says I'm crazy, because I stayed up the whole night trying to finish up the bio report. & let me just tell you this: Redbull HAS NO EFFECT on me. It tastes horribly weird. I don't like it so much. I'm sticking to Coke for my supply of caffeine for sleepless nights.

Went to Sunway Pyramid with my classmate Najwa today. It was fun. We walked around so much and shopped a lot. She likes going into those cute stores with little decorative merchandises and stuff. Like souvenir stuff. It wasn't really MY kind of thing. but you know, adapt adapt adapt. & I found this thrill in it. Like, you NEVER know what you might find. Cause these places sell really weird things, and that one day...you might find something so unique and so extraordinary that you probably couldn't have gone through life without getting it. It's like, searching for the unknown. It's a weird feeling. Apparently, MY "unknown" item is this really cool glitter lamp which I've purchased.



I also took her to eat cinnabon because she's NEVER had one. THESE PEOPLE HAVE NEVER HEARD OF CINNABON. AT ALL. So I let her eat the chocolate flavoured one. I had the cinnamon flavoured one. I bought a couple of them for Sharon. Heehee, I am such a good person.



Najwa eating a cinnabon!

Afterwards, came back to the hostel. & I think I went online, despite being super exhausted. I showed Sharon (she really has been like.. this part of my life. Sorry if that's a little sad to admit?) what I bought. Showed her my REALLY REALLY cool glitter lamp---only to find out that we're not really allowed to bring them and a spot-check may be conducted sometime soon---and this floaty top from Nicole, & also uh...a cooling pad for my laptop and really unnecessary earphones with rhinestones on them. hell yeah.

Then we went to eat. She said I should try the Hokkien Mee at Pak Li. & so I did. I ordered Milo ice cause it's been a long time (a month) since I've had it. MM'MMM. It was fun. I think we're going to watch The Orphan now. and theres leftover from lunch at TGI Friday's....though I don't know how much more I can eat, I'm so full.


The Hokkien noodles.


Sharon!



Haha. Me.

Oh, I also would like to enclose my marks for my statistics quiz. which made me burst in uproarious laughter.

Things have been hectic, I won't elaborate any further but I TOTALLY MISS THE INTERNET. My super incredible internet stopped being super incredible. I don't know what went wrong. It gets connected to both local and internet but wouldn't download any data. & I am the type of person who gives up after a considerable period of time (4 hours and 6 minutes) and after perpetual futile attempts (as of now, trial number: 104).

Not that I wasn't doing okay without the internet...except that I may have gotten really pissed off at the broadband company and cursed them colorfully. Heh. But other than that, s'all good.

I'm only blogging right now while having crackers and peanut butter straight out of the jar (very nice, TRY IT), because it's the only free time I could possibly squeeze into my (not so but very) busy schedule. My biology textbooks are widely fanned out infront of me & my to-do-list is staring at me in a not-so-friendly way. Don't you just hate it when they throw dirty looks like that? I found it really disrespectful!

I think I was supposed to call Mr. Y to speak to him about my driving lessons. I have to take the theory test sometime soon, which I have not studied for...YET. And I think I'm supposed to do some sort of memorization for islamic studies class, which I have not done....YET. See, I have these lists of things that I really need to do desperately but my body is like "Nuh-uhh, I'm not havin' any of that!" because yesterday I went out to lunch with Mastura and I wanted to get some mugs so that I could actually make some coffee around here.

So we went to McDonalds. I had a large coke and large fries with a Fillet O Fish. As we were consuming our heavenly but sinfully unhealthy meals, our attentions were transfixed on the flatscreened tv. There was this Hindi movie on. I estimated that we would eat for less than half an hour and I'd be back in my room...desperately studying and trying to complete my to do list, but it stretched up to 3 hours (thanks to the Hindi movie, WHICH DID NOT HAVE A GOOD ENDING. but the climax was interesting. I gasped a lot, going all "NOOOO!!" but what's a movie without any happy ending?! or moral lessons?). Mastura & I felt guilty about watching the movie. What has the world come to when you had to feel GUILTY for taking a break? It's tragic, really. What we have become and what is demanded of us. As we were walking back to our dorms, we were so pumped up and going all "Okay, I'm DEFINITELY studying after this!".

As I reached my room, I took out my textbooks and skimmed through my notes. That's when Sharon came back. She's my housemate. And I happen to like this Sharon person. You rarely get to live in with someone you're actually compatible with. Or at least someone you could tolerate. As of now, I'm thanking God for giving me someone pleasant and not unbearable to live with. Anyway, Sharon walked in and she said something about some kind of celebration later at night, asked me if I wanted to come. I thought about it and said yes. I mean, I've already wasted my evening, might as well have some fun tonight.

I was so deep in conversation with her while cleaning the fans (that were infested with dust monsters--'dust bunnies' would be an understatement, so i had to use 'dust monsters') that when we were about done, it was already night-time and we had to go to the park. Apparently, it's some kind of chinese celebration. The Mooncake Festival. You light up pretty colorful lanterns and eat mooncakes. It was extremely breath-taking. The sight of the glowing lanterns in the dark. There were also beautifully lit candles as well. We hung out near the skateboard ramp.

Sharon introduced me to some of her friends, they were nice and equally funny. I had fun, overall. We ate, and Thomas told me about the ancient history of the mooncake festival, the origin and everything. Interesting story. And I love Sharon so so much. I told her I rarely get to blow out candles for my birthday, it has been.... years..so long that I don't even remember the last time I blew out candles. So she lit up 17 candles and said I could blow them out. I was in awe, because it was such a sweet gesture.

I made 3 wishes.

After that, we played Truth Or Dare which wasn't so extreme but boy did these people know how to ask the right Truth-questions! I laughed so much. Around midnight, we had to go back because of the strict curfew. But we hung out at the basketball court beside our dorm building and I practised sinking in some hoops. We ate grapes & they told funny stories about living in the dorm. I felt happy. and very very very tired. And today, I woke up, showered, made a cup of coffee (in my new mug!) and checking my emails. Study-fest will soon begin.

p/s: it does suck not having a camera.

Hi. Time has really been an issue with me lately. I have no time to blog. No time to study much, no time to even breathe. But it's the weekend & I NOW HAVE TIME (hell yeah!). This morning, I even woke up reading Kate Brian's Sweet Sixteen---which you would expect to be very frivolous and materialistic, the likes of Lisi Harrison books---but you're wrong. It was tear-inducing & almost heartbreaking. I cried all morning. All morning, I'm telling you. Sorry, I just had to repeat that.

I'm so exhausted, I don't even know where to begin blogging. Actually, I've already begun, so whatever I'm typing right now kinda don't make one iota of sense, but it's okay. I bet you knew it wouldn't make much sense the minute you clicked to view my blog. Or typed in my blog URL.

Last monday, went to dinner with Kira, Farah and the rest (the rest meaning Farah's entourage). It was supposed to be her "surprise birthday party". Don't you love surprises? Especially unexpected ones! It was also surprising that my mum even allowed me to go because I have classes the very next day. That's like a school night, ya know! So I was treading on very dangerous ground when I plucked up the courage to ask her.

I like this pic.

My whole week has been exhausting. After that dinner on Monday, I had classes wayyy early in the morning & let me tell you: it was FUN. Totally hilarious. We had this project runaway thing, where we were required to bring clothes or just accessories. & we were divided into groups. Some unlucky people got to be models & the rest had to style them. Let me just tell you that I am the BEST stylist ever (when it comes to looking weird & peculiar). I made my classmate, Nazrin look so.........weird that he's got people calling him "Drag Queen" by the end of it. Now now, I won't pose pictures because I promised them I won't (as the photos are embarrassing & if I did post it up, they'd skin me alive) BUT I JUST HAVE TO PUT UP THIS ONE FUNNY PIC OF PEK:

 

Oh yes, ladies & gentlemen, that is an umbrella he's strutting a pose with.

After classes, we were all supposed to meet up for dinner. But went back to the hostel first, I decorated my notice board AND my table until I was sweating so bad & finally took a shower, I LOVE the smell of my shampoo. I also love taking a shower there cause the water pressure & it's ice cold, so very nice.

Now I feel a little motivated to study!

After that, got dressed & headed out with Nas, Mastura, Mariah, Syafinaz to the bank! On the way there, we bought these.. sparklers. AWESOME :) Dinner was great too, I think. It was such a blur, we couldn't play the sparklers on that night, so we decided on some other night. People, I'm thinkin' on Monday night...? ;) heeheee.

I'm still struggling with catching up on my studies, but lately I've got this feeling that it'll be all right and okay in the end. Chemistry class was great, because I didn't feel like such a dumb person. Same goes for Bio class when we had to do that beetroot experiment. I actually knew what on earth I was doing, for a change & I must say that the feeling rocked.

I AM WEARING A LAB COAT.
(don't know why I found that so awesome)

Me & Nas!

Now I'm just going to sign out and put away my new animal printed hoodie (ainaa, be jealous!) & new black...jacket, two super cool rings & plenty of hair accessories. STUDY FEST TONIGHT. I think this whole studying business needs some getting used to. It drove me nuts before, but I'm kinda okay with it now. I fought procrastination & survived, you can too!

P/s: I ate at this Thai restaurant at Shah Alam SACC Mall & had this peculiar mango/banana shrimp roll, IT WAS THE MOST WEIRDEST ORGASMIC THING EVER. Craving for it really badly.